SHINE. I think of that word and am immediately flooded with anxiety. My heart rate increases, my stomach starts turning, and my mind begins to race. Even now as I type this.
This may sound a bit strange to you, but I’d like to be vulnerable and shed some light on this by sharing a bit of my story with you today.
I met Jesus at the tender age of five. One of my earliest memories is praying the prayer of salvation with my mother in our family home. It was a sweet and tender moment that would forever change my life, even if I didn’t fully understand it at the time. The 13 years that followed were extremely dark and tumultuous. They were filled with abuse, neglect, pain, and turmoil. But God was with me through it all.
Amidst all the chaos that was my home life, I learned from a very young age that to be visible meant to literally put myself in harm’s way. So, I made it my mission to be invisible, to blend into the background in any and all situations. This was how I kept myself safe. Physically, mentally, and emotionally.
I was labelled as shy and quiet. Some even wondered if I was mute at one point (no lie), but it was just a defense mechanism. If I just kept to myself, and stayed quiet, I wouldn’t be noticed and therefore would not be the target of the abuse. Sometimes that worked, and sometimes it didn’t.
Someday I’ll tell the story of how God carried me through that time in my life. It’s an incredible story of God’s faithfulness and goodness. I would not be here today if it hadn’t been for His love and grace in my life.
I carried this mentality with me into adulthood and even though I was no longer in that dangerous situation, I continued to work hard to blend into the background and not draw attention to myself because I still so desperately needed to feel safe. I’ve only really started to unpack and process this in the last couple of years and God has been so gracious to me while I work through this.
I’d love to be able to tell you that tomorrow if someone asks me to do something like be on stage for something or speak in front of people, that I won’t have that immediate moment of panic, but the reality is that the panic still comes. The anxiety is still present. But so is Jesus. And I am learning to lean into Jesus in those moments.
Each time I am presented with an opportunity to do something that may be out of my comfort zone, those alarm bells begin to go off. In my mind and in my body. But it’s in those moments that, in the same gentle way that Jesus spoke to my heart at five years old and drew me to himself, He reminds me, “You’re safe. You don’t have to hide anymore.”, and He reaches out His hand for me to grasp as He lovingly pulls me out of the darkness and into His light. He does this for me again, and again, and again. Always
patient and kind. And by His grace, I am learning to allow myself to be used in ways that I never would have dreamed were possible.
“Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, 21 to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.” Ephesians 3:20-21
I recently heard someone speak about this passage of scripture. She pointed out the part about “His power at work within us.”, and said that He works gently, deeply within us, not by force.
Gently, deeply. That is how Jesus is working within me.
It’s time for me to step out of the darkness that I have been hiding in for most of my life and into the light by making myself vulnerable and allowing myself to be visible. Not for my own sake, but to point people to Him and to bring Him glory.
Writing for this blog a few times last year was a great way to dip my toe in, but this year I feel God stirring my heart even more to step out and allow Him to use me in other ways that I have been resistant to in the past. He is helping me to rewrite my story and break the chains that once bound me. Helping me to SHINE for Him like never before.
“You are the light of the world. A town built on a hill cannot be hidden. 15 Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. 16 In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven.” Matthew 5:14-16
Let your light shine. So that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven. Yes! That is my prayer. For myself, and for each of you.
SHINE!
